Friday, July 1, 2016

How do you make friends?

I'm at a place in my life that I never thought I would be. I have a wonderful husband, three beautiful children and a fourth on the way. I get to stay at home and be there with my little one and be there for the two oldest when they get home from school. I can pretty much do what I want during the day provided I do get some things done around the house because it would drive me crazy otherwise.

Seems great, right? A man who loves me, great kids and the freedom to do a lot of the things I enjoy. I appreciate this. However, I'm lonely. I have one person I can call a friend, and that is my husband. I'm often unsure if others in my life are actually friends.

I say I am unsure because while we talk when we are with one another at parenting functions, hiking groups, or what not, do they really know me? Do I really know them? Do they even really want to know me? These questions run through my mind. I am socially awkward. I know this. I am loud, stubborn and forceful at times. These traits made me a good manager in the hotel industry, and help being a mother, but they don't make for being a good friend. And changing is hard. I want to be a better person. Maybe I can't change. Maybe I am doomed to not have any real friends.

I suppose I should clarify my thoughts on real friends. Friends that are other parents who want to meet up and let the kids play. Typically I am going to do something with Lena and I invite someone along who I refer to as friend, but do we really know each other? Do they really want to know me? I would love to know them, and their kids. I just really feel more like I am forcing myself upon them. And that's socially awkward. I'm just not good around other adults I guess. I am fine with other kids. And what stinks about all of this is that it's not just me that it hurts. It hurts my kids who don't get invited on play dates or over to other kids houses because their mother is weird, overbearing and awkward. I want better for them. And frankly, I want better for myself.

These thoughts have really been getting to me. To the point of my anxiety and depression creeping in. And that's not good while pregnant. I am a part of a couple of wonderful local mom groups, and a hiking group. Maybe I am too different? I don't know. How do I fix this? Or can I? Can you make friends at age 33 and have them be friends who WANT to spend time with you? Or am I doomed to my adult interactions being those I plan or those I go to because it's on a schedule for a group?

How do YOU make friends?

Even worse are those who just feel bad for you because you made a damn blog post like this. How embarrassing, right?

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