The Darkness

The past few weeks have been rough. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't.

 I have been living deep in the darkness of my head all of this time. Nothing harmful to myself or others, but just worrying thoughts, anxious thoughts that go over and over in my head throughout the days. And even worse, is at night.

Unfortunately the thoughts are so consuming that I often need to hide in my room and just veg out on my phone watching videos on YouTube or reruns of shows I have watched years ago. I know I am letting down my family because of this. I just still don't feel like me.

Before anyone comments. Yes, I see a counselor... weekly. I also see a psychiatrist monthly who has me on medications for my bipolar and now anxiety. But just these things alone aren't a cure all. When I can't bring myself to leave the house, it's kind of hard to leave and get out and enjoy something. I want to get out and exercise as that made me feel good once upon a time, but even the thought of working out in my own basement as I used to makes my heart race and then I start to worry about my S-ICD going off. It starts a whole new set of anxieties. That's just how my mind is working these days.

I call them my voices. And no, not voices like you are thinking. They are me talking to me about every little possible thing that could go wrong. Make someone look at me funny. Make someone know the truth about me. That my head is a mess and I constantly am going going going inside of it and just wish it would turn the fuck off! No one can know this when they meet me. I fear that when I try to act normal that people can see through my act and KNOW the truth about me which makes them never really try to get to know me or speak to me much after the initial conversation. It happens often to me, especially regarding parents of my kids friends. I think they see me and don't want to be around who I really am.

I'm not trying to have anyone make me feel better right now, I just needed to get these thoughts down and out.

Hope you are all having a good mental health day!

I'm Back, I think.

I'm not the most eloquent, I make grammar and spelling mistakes, but I need to let my voice be heard, even if it's only to myself. I think blogging, or writing here, even if in small doses will be helpful.

It's summer and while the kids are having fun, it's been a little more tough on mom. I'm having to navigate a new mental health diagnosis, med changes and therapy in my weekly and daily routines. I wish every day could be like this photo, but it just isn't. My brain won't let every day run like this. Finding the positives in the day to day has been a challenge at times. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this, and for those of you who are in this same boat, I'm sending you a million hugs.

I want my children to see a mom that is present, and mostly happy day to day. I don't want them to see me struggle as I do. I don't want my life to forever be tethered to meds and how THEY make me feel. Trying to maintain this happiness and normal is really exhausting sometimes. How do you do it? What helps you feel normal when mentally you are just done?