The Darkness

The past few weeks have been rough. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't.

 I have been living deep in the darkness of my head all of this time. Nothing harmful to myself or others, but just worrying thoughts, anxious thoughts that go over and over in my head throughout the days. And even worse, is at night.

Unfortunately the thoughts are so consuming that I often need to hide in my room and just veg out on my phone watching videos on YouTube or reruns of shows I have watched years ago. I know I am letting down my family because of this. I just still don't feel like me.

Before anyone comments. Yes, I see a counselor... weekly. I also see a psychiatrist monthly who has me on medications for my bipolar and now anxiety. But just these things alone aren't a cure all. When I can't bring myself to leave the house, it's kind of hard to leave and get out and enjoy something. I want to get out and exercise as that made me feel good once upon a time, but even the thought of working out in my own basement as I used to makes my heart race and then I start to worry about my S-ICD going off. It starts a whole new set of anxieties. That's just how my mind is working these days.

I call them my voices. And no, not voices like you are thinking. They are me talking to me about every little possible thing that could go wrong. Make someone look at me funny. Make someone know the truth about me. That my head is a mess and I constantly am going going going inside of it and just wish it would turn the fuck off! No one can know this when they meet me. I fear that when I try to act normal that people can see through my act and KNOW the truth about me which makes them never really try to get to know me or speak to me much after the initial conversation. It happens often to me, especially regarding parents of my kids friends. I think they see me and don't want to be around who I really am.

I'm not trying to have anyone make me feel better right now, I just needed to get these thoughts down and out.

Hope you are all having a good mental health day!

I'm Back, I think.

I'm not the most eloquent, I make grammar and spelling mistakes, but I need to let my voice be heard, even if it's only to myself. I think blogging, or writing here, even if in small doses will be helpful.

It's summer and while the kids are having fun, it's been a little more tough on mom. I'm having to navigate a new mental health diagnosis, med changes and therapy in my weekly and daily routines. I wish every day could be like this photo, but it just isn't. My brain won't let every day run like this. Finding the positives in the day to day has been a challenge at times. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this, and for those of you who are in this same boat, I'm sending you a million hugs.

I want my children to see a mom that is present, and mostly happy day to day. I don't want them to see me struggle as I do. I don't want my life to forever be tethered to meds and how THEY make me feel. Trying to maintain this happiness and normal is really exhausting sometimes. How do you do it? What helps you feel normal when mentally you are just done?

This blog has moved!!

Please come visit me at my new site! www.throughemilyseyes.com 

Scenes from Shawnee - Pomona Natural Bridge

Coming home from vacation is bittersweet. On one hand you don't want the vacation to end, and on the other getting back into a routine is nice. I'm happy to be back home this time. It was super hot in both Southern Illinois and Ohio 

which made parts of the trip a bit miserable at times. Luckily we toughed it out while in the Shawnee Forest area in Illinois and were able to get some good hikes in before heading on to pick up the kids from the in-laws in Ohio. 

The first place we stopped on my list of places in Shawnee I had to visit was Pomona Natural Bridge.  The bridge is 90 feet long and about 8 feet wide at it's widest point. It took years for this sandstone marvel to become what it is. It was most definitely worth stopping to see. 

There is a loop trail that takes you from the parking lot, over the natural bridge and back around to the parking lot. I recommend exploring around the natural bridge when you get to it before heading back to the parking lot. It is worth exploring. We went below it and to the sides of it exploring all around. You can see how the water eroded the sandstone to create the bridge. It was raining fairly hard when we visited, so the bridge and surrounding rock enclosures made for good shelter. There is a place to the side of the trail and bridge that is kind of like a shallow cave. We hung out there for a bit waiting for the rain to taper off. 

After the rain slowed, we resumed the trail, passing by the stream that helped carve the bridge. Keith got a closer look as the stream wasn't really flowing much. 

The rest of the hike, if that is what you want to call it, was as easy as the rest, with some incline but that's about it. According to my AllTrails map we did 0.4 miles, and that is including our off the trail exploring. Not what I call a hike, but a short walk. We enjoyed ourselves and that's really what matters. We had also done six miles earlier in the day before we left for Shawnee, so I think we earned the short walk. 

Check out more from our trip to Pamona Natural Bridge below: 

Have you visited this natural bridge before? There are others in the Shawnee area as well, how about them? I'd love more recommendations for some to see. I'm completely fascinated with them! 

One Day I'll Fly Away

Upon going through my blog drafts I found some art journal pages I had completed and photographed, but not shared. I thought it would be nice to share with you some of my pages here and there. 

I colored the background of this with Pan Pastels in pink and green. (Forgive me, I can't remember the names! ) Washi tape was also added across the back of the page before I used the Pan Pastels. Once they were applied, I set them with water, let it dry and used a stencil and some black paint to create the feathers. I believe the stencil is by The Crafters Workshop. All of the white detail was done using a white pen and white paint pen. Super simple and makes a bold statement on black. 

The simplicity of the page is what I love and why I did it this way to begin with. Sometimes simple is just the way to go. 

I wrote the words, "One day I'll fly away" at the bottom. It's something that when I get down I get stuck in my head. So although the page seems happy, at the time I made it, I was in a darker place. I often feel as though getting away would be best, even if just leaving my life for a while and driving off. Maybe I could get myself together. Maybe my family would be happier for a little while. Of course, this is what I think when I am down. I know this is not the truth. But it needs to be said and documented, which is the entire reason I love art journaling. It's much easier for me than a diary. There are just times where I can't put all I am feeling into words and need to put it on paper with color. 

What do you do when you feel down? If you art journal, paint or love to create, what have you made lately? Link me in the comments, I would love to stop by your blog and take a look! 

Young Conservation Area - Eureka, MO

For the first time since before Lena has been born, we have zero kids for the start of this week. Yes, you read that right, my kids are not with us the first few days of this week. Can I get a happy dance?! They are currently with my in-laws in Ohio where they are spending some quality time with grandparents and each other. Austin, Serenity AND Lena left for Ohio early Monday morning so Keith and I decided we would take advantage of these kid free days by going on a hiking vacation. 

Our final destination for hiking this short vacation is Shawnee National Forest in Illinois, but that isn't what today's hike share is about. 

After the kids left we decided to go and check out one of the local conservation areas near us that we had not been to yet. Young Conservation Area is located about 5 miles south of Eureka, MO and has two trails, the Labarque Hills Trail and the Taconic Loop Trail. We did both in the same morning. 

Getting to the parking lot of the conservation area is easy. We came from Eureka and parked in the first parking lot on the left.  Finding the trail head was not. The beginning of the conservation area is in a large grassy and overgrown field where a path has been mowed up until you hit the actual trail itself. When we arrived, we were unsure which way to go, so we went straight in front of us. It ended up taking us in a bit of a loop which had some pretty forest and greenery, but was not either one of the actual trails. It wasn't until it kind of looped around and met up with the other choice we could have taken for a lawn path that we realized the trail was there. 

Beautiful spider web we saw by the trail. 

The first trail you come to is the Taconic trail. It is the shorter of the two trails at 2.5 miles. We chose to pass this up and head on to the Labarque Hills trail which is 3.5 miles. While this is not a long trail, it isn't exactly easy. Be prepared for a longish, moderate ascent up the hill that left this pregnant hiker a bit winded. It was also a hot day, so I take that into account as well. The ascent was worth it as there are some beautiful views of the forest below. I should also add we walked through quite a few spider webs across the trail. There were so many Keith carried a stick to help knock them down. 

The descent back down is easy and you walk along the stream on the opposite side for a bit before crossing back over. Once you cross back over the stream, you follow the trail until you run  back into the Taconic trail. At this point we took the Taconic trail loop. 

The trail goes up a hill among some pines. The trail has a different look from the Labarque Hills trail. There are some open areas where you cross fields under electrical towers and then travel back into the woods. This occurs a couple of times. In the hot summer sun, this is not the most fun. We quickly finished this 2.5 trail and headed back out. We took the most direct route back to our car across the path mowed in the field. This is the path we should have taken from the beginning. It was extremely hot and sunny at the end of our hike. Luckily, we had packed a lot of water and made it back to our car before the temperatures got even hotter. 

I look forward to doing this hike some time in the fall or winter when it is much cooler. The spring would be nice as well, so we can see the wildflowers. 

If you are looking for something moderate with some nice views, I recommend Young Conservation area. 

Below are some more shots I took along the trail: 

Have you been on any great adventures recently? See you soon! 

Castor River Shut-Ins - Fredericktown, MO

Every year on the 4th of July, Keith and I, along with whatever children we have with us take a hike locally, somewhere within a few hours of home. This year we went to Pickle Springs, A Trail through Time and then drove over to Castor River Shut-Insto explore a new place. 

Castor River Shut-Ins, a part of Amidon Memorial Conservation Area is Missouri's only known pink granite shut-ins. They are from an igneous rock formation that is 1.5 billion years old. That is some serious history. You really have to see the rocks to appreciate them. 

Trail to shut-ins

To get to the shut-ins you take a short hike on a trail from the parking lot to get to them. It's not long at all. It's muddy after a good rain, but if you are going to the shut-ins you probably already plan on getting a little wet. We took our old umbrella stroller to push Lena in. It made it through the mud and puddles just fine. The trail is flat and there aren't many rocks or roots that get in the way. 

 Once you make it to the shut-ins you can hang out there and have some fun, or you can continue on the trail. The trail is a loop trail that is a mile long. We didn't do the full trail when we visited, as we had already done some hiking for the day, but would like to go back and complete it as the views appear worth it. 

Trail to shut-ins

Once we made it to the actual shut-ins, we just explored. Lena played in some of the shallow pools or Keith held her in the deep, faster water. I would not classify this as a place safe for toddlers and young children to play. The water moves fast and there are waterfalls. They make for some great photos, but not very safe. There are also some drop offs off of the rocks into the water or shallow pools of water. Many of the larger rocks are slippery, even when dry, so makes sure your footwear has some traction. 

We had a good time while we were there, even though Lena couldn't actually play the way she typically does in water. We saw some other visitors who were floating down the river. They said the water was fast and rough in some areas. Definitely not kid friendly. 

Visiting again is in the cards for the future, but not immediate future. If you haven't been to see this beautiful area, I suggest you take a drive. If anything, pack a lunch, some water shoes and a camera for some afternoon fun on a hot day. 

Below are some of the photos I took of the water and rocks. The pink rocks are very pretty. And some of them were VERY large. 

Have you visited these shut-ins? If so, I'd love to hear about your experience! Also, of any other great places nearby to visit. 

Thanks for stopping by! 

Nature is Home

Take a moment. Step outside. Breathe in the fresh air. Soak in the sun. Appreciate the other home in your life. Spend some more time in it. 

A love for nature and the outdoors

"Let's go outside!"I love when I can say those three words to my child and she jumps up at the chance to go outside and play. She has a love of the outdoors and nature that my older two children don't have. There is nothing wrong with this, as each child is different. My older kids get out, not as much as I would like, but they do get outside. I will say, it takes more of an effort on my part to get them to go outside, usually grudgingly, but they do. 

Why do they have less love for nature and outdoors than my youngest? Maybe because I was not at home with them at this young age like I am with Lena? I worked full time and they were at a sitter or daycare. When I wasn't working and had the time with the kids, I wasn't into the outdoors myself. It was a different time and place for me. Austin and Serenity are also different kids. They play sports and have their musical instruments which keep them busy. Oh, and they now have Poke'mon Go. We can't forget that. I will say, it has gotten them out on more evening walks with us. 

Lena is a completely different beast. She LOVES to be outside. She will bring you her shoes and ask to go out. If given the chance, she would play for hours in water, whether it be a pool, creek or puddle. I love that. She enjoys our hikes and being around the other kids in our local Hike it Baby group. (I HIGHLY recommend joining your local HiB group if you have kids and love the outdoors and hiking. It's worth it!) 

Messy doesn't bother this little girl either. I've come to accept it as a part of having kids so I just have myself a good wash routine for stains. We will even wear nicer clothes out and if they get dirty, so be it. Life is too short to waste worrying about my little girl getting her new dress dirty. I want what she wears to be enjoyed and where she loves to be, which is outside. Luckily, the majority of what I put on Lena is pretty casual and simple, so we don't ruin a lot of clothes in the end. 

I'm grateful that I changed my own lifestyle so that I could enjoy nature and the outdoors with my children. I don't even mind that my oldest aren't as into it since I have Lena who will enjoy it all for them. Austin and Serenity will still join us on hikes, and I still urge them to go outside, but I don't push extremely hard. They are good kids and active in other ways. They appreciate nature and the outdoors when they are there and that's good enough for me. 

We will continue teaching our children about nature, what it has to offer and how we can take care of it for the future. Our next little one will be out on walks and hikes with us not long after he gets here. I can't wait. I plan on soaking it all in and making loads of memories. Which reminds me, it's time to see if Lena and the kids want to go outside. 

Do your children have a love of nature? What do you do to encourage it? I'd love to hear some of the things you do! Leave me a comment below. 

Don't Settle