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I'll be honest, I almost completely skipped this one. Not because I don't have something to write, but because reliving it hurts, and it can be hard for me to talk about. However, I have promised myself that I would write this, and do all thirty of the days.....
There is something I did when I was 18 years old, in 2001 that I still have not been able to forgive myself for. My grandma H., my dad's mom, had cancer and ended up in the hospital in the town that I was going to College in. It was the same town her and my Grandpa lived. I didn't see a lot of them, until after Grandma got sick and ended up in the hospital. I tried to stay with my grandpa and help him, but I just couldn't. I didn't enjoy being near him because of how depressing it was for me. Shame I didn't bother to think how depressing it was for him.
Anyway, she just got worse and worse once she ended up in the hospital. We were basically watching her become a living corpse. It was not a pretty sight or smell. You can literally smell someone dying in that situation, I am not kidding you. I hope none of you ever have to experience it. After some time, she died. Something that was asked of me, by my Grandpa was for me to sing at my Grandma's funeral. I said yes, of course, it was my Grandma!
What no one in the family knew at the time though, was that I was heavily drinking and doing various forms of drugs. I was never really in the right state of mind. And I didn't really care how I treated anyone else as a result of this. When the day came for her funeral, and I was supposed to leave the dorms to go to the funeral home. I left when I was supposed to, but instead of driving to the funeral home, I drove to my boyfriend's (who I might add was an ex-con) house and started drinking the whiskey straight from the bottle and lighting a joint. I drank for about a half an hour and then left for the funeral home. By then the funeral was over and everyone was driving to the cemetery. I followed and watched them bury my Grandma. My mom knew by then what I had been up to, and was disgusted. She didn't want my dad or Grandpa to see me drunk and high like that. Unfortunately, other family members figured it out.
Needless to say, it took my family years to get over it. It has taken me longer. I still feel awful about not singing at her funeral, but especially about not going to her funeral. One day I will forgive myself... today is still not the day. Maybe one day soon. One day...
Do you have something you need to forgive yourself for? Are you willing to share?
5 comments:
Emily, I am so proud of you! You are a courageous woman to post this story.
We all have a past. We've all done things that we aren't proud of. You are not alone, by any stretch of the imagination.
I pray that you find the forgiveness in your own heart for yourself.
Blessings to you today.
Emily - I know posting that was incredibly hard! Grief is an overwhelming thing - ask God for forgiveness and then ACCEPT that forgiveness!!! You are an amazing person and holding onto something like this does not help you - only hinder your growth!! HUGS
That is how Satin works. He wants you to feel guilty. He doesn't want you to feel the free forgiveness that you received because He offered up His son on the cross to take away the sins of ALL women and men. The devil wants you to feel like you have to do something to earn forgiveness when forgiveness is free because of Jesus. He died for our sins and He rose from death. No one but him can or has done this. Praying you stop feeling guilty and feel loved by God.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I appreciate them so much!
Kelly, thank you esp for reminding me that Satan is at work with this. I will do some praying on this.
Just ask for God's forgiveness - you would not believe how WILLING He is to give it to you! God truly loves us, Em, even if it's hard for us to believe sometimes when we feel we've done something really foolish or bad. Even if you were the ONLY person to save in this world, Jesus STILL would've gone through all that suffering and died for you!
Saying prayers for you - this must have been so hard to write!
LOT'S of hugs - LOVE YOU, EM!!
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