30 Days of Truth Day 04

Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for

Suicide is ugly, let's face it. No matter how it happens. When someone Chooses to take their own life, it is awful. Before I lost my Uncle Jimmy, I had never experienced suicide. Then, after he died, a friend of mine from High School took his life in his parents front yard. So I ended up experiencing suicide in a way that I never had imagined. 

I miss Jimmy. So very very much.... he was the Uncle we were all closest to. He was my moms baby brother. He liked to smoke a lot, drink, and have fun. He would always have these great Fourth of July parties out by the lake on our families lake lot where we would have a huge meal, bonfire, and fireworks. He even would hire a DJ to play at the parties, and have karaoke. He wasn't the best singer, but we had fun. I have a lot of great memories of him and things that we did.  As I get older though, I sometimes feel like I am losing them... a few at a time. I don't want to forget, but it happens I guess. I don't have a lot of pictures of him which bothers me. Seeing the pictures can bring a memory back to life. 

Unfortunately, a picture can't bring someone back to life. Nothing can. Which brings me to todays truth... I have still not forgiven Jimmy for taking his own life. I think I am ready too sometimes, but I can't. I get angry, mad and frustrated trying to think about it. And please don't tell me that I am not meant to understand. I get that. Mentally I know all of the truths. I know he was sick, needed help and thought he was doing us all a favor by taking his life. I don't believe that is a selfish act as so many do. It IS a disease. My heart tells me that I SHOULD be able to understand. It wants so badly to understand. 

When I think of Jimmy, the song "How do you get that Lonely" by Blaine Larson comes to mind. It is a fitting song for suicide. I recently did a layout using lyrics from the song....

Scrapping about it helps to ease the pain that I still have even years later. It doesn't let me forgive though. Maybe if I can convince my heart that it will NEVER understand, then one day I can. Until then, no.