Six Years Ago

Six years ago on March 25th I lost my uncle. He was my mom's baby brother. He was the one uncle I was closest to. I've never really been close to any of my other uncles on either side of my family. Just my Uncle Jimmy. Losing him was so very hard on all of us. It was a shock, one that I don't think I will ever get over.

I was actually at my friends house when I got the call. My brother called my friends knowing I was there and asked to speak with me. When I picked up the phone he was crying and hard to understand. He told me that Uncle Jimmy had died. He told me that he had killed himself. I hung up on him. He called back of course and I got up the courage to speak to him. However, all I heard was a muffled voice telling me that Jimmy had hung himself in his basement. It was surreal. I honestly don't think I believed him even then.

When I went to the funeral, I was in a daze. Once again, very unreal to me. It wasn't until I went up to the casket and saw him. What made it real for me was the fact he was dressed in a turtleneck... seriously? Uncle Jimmy never wore those things.... that's how I really knew. It sunk in and sunk in hard.

He was dead. No coming back. And the regrets came pouring.... why didn't I let him meet Austin?? why didn't I visit him more? why? why? why???

Always unanswered questions and regrets, right? It was only four months later, exactly that I attempted to take my own life.

Why do I talk about this...? It makes me feel better to get it out. I do still think about it all alot. I am obviously much better. I miss him, so much. I feel for his children most of all and what they lost... and for my mother. She lost the brother she was closest to. After he died, something in her changed, and she has never been the same.

What do you do? You move on.... that's all you can do. Life goes on. Always will.

Love ya Jimmy!