The Darkness

The past few weeks have been rough. I wish I could say otherwise, but I can't.

 I have been living deep in the darkness of my head all of this time. Nothing harmful to myself or others, but just worrying thoughts, anxious thoughts that go over and over in my head throughout the days. And even worse, is at night.

Unfortunately the thoughts are so consuming that I often need to hide in my room and just veg out on my phone watching videos on YouTube or reruns of shows I have watched years ago. I know I am letting down my family because of this. I just still don't feel like me.

Before anyone comments. Yes, I see a counselor... weekly. I also see a psychiatrist monthly who has me on medications for my bipolar and now anxiety. But just these things alone aren't a cure all. When I can't bring myself to leave the house, it's kind of hard to leave and get out and enjoy something. I want to get out and exercise as that made me feel good once upon a time, but even the thought of working out in my own basement as I used to makes my heart race and then I start to worry about my S-ICD going off. It starts a whole new set of anxieties. That's just how my mind is working these days.

I call them my voices. And no, not voices like you are thinking. They are me talking to me about every little possible thing that could go wrong. Make someone look at me funny. Make someone know the truth about me. That my head is a mess and I constantly am going going going inside of it and just wish it would turn the fuck off! No one can know this when they meet me. I fear that when I try to act normal that people can see through my act and KNOW the truth about me which makes them never really try to get to know me or speak to me much after the initial conversation. It happens often to me, especially regarding parents of my kids friends. I think they see me and don't want to be around who I really am.

I'm not trying to have anyone make me feel better right now, I just needed to get these thoughts down and out.

Hope you are all having a good mental health day!