Losing you

When you lose someone and you are in that immediate moment of hurting, it doesn't always hit you how losing them will forever impact the remainder of your life. I remember when I lost my grandparents... but I don't remember ever thinking, "They aren't going to meet my children." I just took the fact that they had been alive for me for granted. Now, as a 30 something year old adult, I DO think about what my grandparents have missed. I wish my kids could have met them. Would they still be alive today? I couldn't say. But I do believe they left us too soon, yet made a huge impact on many while they were alive. And that, I am grateful for. 

Whenever I visit my parents, I visit my grandparents. I am one of those people who does take photos of the stones, and I do take photos of my children with them. It is as close to having a photo of them with their great-grandparents as I will ever get. Maybe it is morbid to some, but it is comforting for me. And the kids like it too. They enjoy going to visit their Great-Papa and Grandma Fulton. 

 There is another family member beside my grandparents who left our lives all too soon. My Uncle Jimmy. He is my mom's baby brother. Unfortunately, his mental illness consumed him and he took his own life. Losing him really changed my parents, because my dad was close to his brother-in-law too. For a long time after he died, depression consumed me. I was close to my uncle. Jimmy was the cool Uncle. :) 

When Jimmy died, Austin was only a few months old. I never had a chance to take Austin to meet his Great-Uncle. For a long time, it really upset me that I never did. When Jimmy died, I went through a long lasting depression. It was really where the depression for me got bad. I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue with my own life. I kept thinking if this man who had a good life with two beautiful kids and a good job couldn't do it, why should I? I WAS WRONG. After ending up in the hospital, and getting help, things got better. I've had some bad moments since, but never as bad as that. I let my depression consume me. I let it ruin everything around me, and almost allowed it to take my life. Never again. I have too much to live for.  Jimmy dying really only brought the depression I already had to light... his dying didn't cause it. My family has always had depression and anxiety issues... it's just about when they come out for each person. 

I bring all of this up, because the months of January through the beginning of April are always hardest for me. Of course it is the dead of winter which doesn't help, but as you can see, it's also the time of year where I lost people I loved.  I know, just like years past, I will make it through. It's not easy, but I will.